42. Happy Parenting Day! Get Your Parenting Tips Here

Michelle Walters 0:01

Welcome, you are listening to mind power meets mystic with me, Michelle Walters, and my co host, Cinthia Varkevisser. We are here today with Elisabeth Stitt. When you want to raise happy, healthy and productive kids that are prepared for whatever life throws at them today, Elisabeth Stitt, founder of joyful parenting coaching is your go to parenting coach and expert. Kids don't come with an operating manual. So if you think you're supposed to know how to parent or that it's built into your DNA, that's just not true. With over 50,000 hours of working with kids and parents to support her in her work, award winning parent educator, Elisabeth can guide parents through any situation. Parenting is tough enough in normal circumstances. And it's a skill. It can be taught, learned and practiced author of parenting as a second language, and a longtime public school teacher. Elisabeth Stitt brings 30 plus years of working with kids of all ages to her work with parents through her talks, workshops and webinars. Elisabeth brings her warmth and wisdom to parents all over the world. Welcome, Elisabeth.

Cinthia Varkevisser 2:48

Yay.

Elisabeth Stitt 2:49

So glad to be here. Such an honor.

Cinthia Varkevisser 2:53

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming in joining us. So Michelle and I were talking it's May we wanted to we wanted to give parents who are so overwhelmed right now. I mean, I think we're all still recovering from you know, Coronavirus, Coronavirus and shelter in place. And we thought it would be great for this parenting month to give some tips and tricks for parents who are in overwhelm in any way, shape, or form. So tell me what is the most common type of overwhelm that you've been hearing from parents these days?

Elisabeth Stitt 3:36

It really is just the whole package. It's having so much on your plate. It's feeling that you're not showing up fully and well, anywhere. Because there's just I guess it's not so much on the plate. There are too many different plates. You're the you're the Chinese Acrobat who's who's trying to keep one plate spinning and the next plates spinning. And all of them feel wobbly. And so you never have that moment of going whoa. Oh, my plates are spinning. And that is utterly overwhelming. And Joy sucking.

Cinthia Varkevisser 4:20

Sucking. That just sounds so painful. Right Joy sacking.

Michelle Walters 4:25

joyful. I like that. So wonderful. Name, your business name?

Elisabeth Stitt 4:30

Yes. Yes, that is that is indeed the aim is joyful.

Michelle Walters 4:35

is like to parent kids in the: 2020

Elisabeth Stitt 5:29

: 1314

Michelle Walters: 13:51

Yeah. Well, it's it's really interesting. I mean, you're talking about all these kinds of almost anthropology, kinds of issues and questions, right. So you know, thinking about, we grew up as largely tribal village people raising children in community. And now you're describing a current reality for parents, where it's funny, these social tools that we have, have really come along to create almost a something that slicing people into, into kind of your online happy face versus your crying middle schooler. Yeah. And

Elisabeth Stitt: 14:39

let's let's be perfectly clear, because parenting is a social skill that we used to learn organically and communities. Even our kids today are not having those community social experiences. So since the advent of the play date, we are now out segmented into age based supervised activities, and even the playdates are are supervised. And they tend to be with kids your own age, right? So you don't have that experience of go outside and play, I do not want to see you unless there's blood until the streetlights come on. Well, what happened when we went out and we played, we were mixed groups of kids. I know, in my neighborhood, we had, we had these huge wars, with, you know, territories, and we would throw pine cones and olives, and you know, all kinds of things. And we do surprise attacks on each other. And in the midst of that, there were kids of all different ages. And you know, Cynthia could say goodbye, I'm going on to play and mom would say yes, but take your little brother with you. So now Cynthia is going to play but she's also got this four year old in tow. And so she's having to figure out how to keep him happy. Because if he's really miserable, it's going to interrupt her play, and she's going to have to take them home, and then her mom's going to be mad at her and none of that's worth it. So, together, kids are figuring out, you know, it's okay, you can just pee behind the tree. And come on, don't just be quiet, you'll help boost you up in the tree, you'll be okay. And we can pretend. And you're bit by bit gaining the skills of how do I interact with children of different ages? So yeah, go ahead.

Cinthia Varkevisser: 16:36

No, I was just going to say before we go any further, I'd like the audience to know that they're listening to you. My lovely is Elisabeth Stitt, the founder of joyful parenting coaching, and that they're listening to mine power meets mystic with Michelle Walters and me. So if I could just hop on in with you for just a moment, because I'm on the other side of it. I came from an immigrant family very tight knit. So you know, we go to an aunt's house and uncle's house a cousin's house. So there was always somewhere to go. And, again, you're right, different age groups to play with. So what and so my kids were also brought up in that in that atmosphere, what I find is that I'm really longing for this, I'm out at it, I'm now an elder. And I do have some small kids in my community that I'm happy to be their Auntie or what they call tunda. Right, which is Dutch, for auntie and in the parents are so grateful. And so it surprises me a short on resources they are. So even if they don't talk about it, there's no relief. So that they could breathe and actually look at what's going on in their, in their life. Like from a distance. They're always in it. So there's, you know, or it's one parent at a time. So it's like a tag team parenting. If it's not, you know, the full thing about that. So do you find that as well, where if they're not, even though they're not talking about, they're also there's also very limited on resources for, you know, what

Elisabeth Stitt: 18:21

100%. And then you add to that, if you have two working parents, you've got what, maybe 7590 minutes in the morning, before you're trying to get out the door. And then you're picking up kids between five and six o'clock, which we all know is the witching hour, right? Like that the hour when you want to sell the kids to the gypsies. And then think of everything you're trying to cram in, and now kindergarteners are getting homework. So there's not it's not even like you're waiting until homework where kids actually aren't mature enough to go do it themselves, which is why parents get in on micromanaging their kids work. It's not that they they mean to but it's that kids are starting homework so young, that realistically you have to micromanage it because we don't expect a five year old to go off into his room and to do his math page.

Cinthia Varkevisser: 19:19

Right. So

Elisabeth Stitt: 19:23

we're now trying to cram what little parenting we have to do into very little time. And then as I said, as you said, and I said before that we don't have those check ins of resources. So not only is it not okay to say hello to our peer, my same grade peer what's going on with my kid at home? I don't have that barbecue, that multi generational barbecue. And why don't I have it because my kids are running in a million directions with a million different activities because I am so completely exhausted. heard from trying to parent and work full time. And because Netflix is so easy, it's so much easier to just sit down and let Netflix numb us, compared to the effort it takes to organize a barbecue and to invite people over, and to do the prep and the cleanup and not to mention the invitations. And besides, nobody will commit anyway, because they're not sure when they're gonna get back from the travel soccer game, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right. So we've got all these pieces, parents with very little time to parent in a meaningful way. So that 90% of their interactions with their kids are just logistics, which, again, sucks the joy out of parenting. And it just always leaves you in that overwhelmed space. Because we never get the bright side. You never get the light side. It's like parenting a teenager all the time. Right, you know, at least with toddlers, it's dress dress dress, but then they're just so darn cute. Or they do something so funny. Or they put their little chubby arms around you and they say I love you, Mommy. And the world is suddenly full of sunshine and rainbows and sparkling things. And you're you feel rejuvenated. But we just don't even we have hardly any time for that. So no connection with our

Michelle Walters: 21:32

elders. So, so yeah, summarize some of this for us, Elizabeth, what are you know, 123 things that are winter Tips for Parents are

Elisabeth Stitt: 21:46

positive. You want me to stop eating this horrible negative, we've got

Michelle Walters: 21:50

it, we got it, we gotta go to a place that's gonna help people with something that they can action. Yes, do and feel feel good about?

Elisabeth Stitt: 22:04

Good. Here's something here's, here's the tip that I really would love for parents to walk away from. You love your children like crazy. You don't want anything but the best and the good for them. So I want to empower you right here right now to look into your center. And to decide what are the two or three values that I hold dear. And I really want to have my children walk away with as adults. And then I give you permission to put those up? Have those be your leading ideas and use those as your parenting filters. So that when you're at that soccer game, and you know, Michelle says, Hey, Elizabeth, are you going to put Julie in the chess club? And I go, chess club. And Michelle goes, yes. So on Friday afternoons, and it's a nationally ranked chess player. He's fabulous. And all the kids who are in the chess club, go on to the advanced math class, in middle school, you really should have are in the chess club. Because I'm gonna take my key value words. And I'm gonna go to chip, put my filter in front of my face, and I'm going to take in that information. Do I need chess club? And do I need the Advanced Math? No, because those are not part of my main goals here. And that enables me to say, Thanks for the information. Michelle, that doesn't work for us. And I walk away, I let it go. I don't let it penetrate as one more should. One more thing on the checklist that if I fail to do, I'm going to you know, screw my child up forever.

Michelle Walters: 24:12

I like it. I pick the top two values, screen everything against those, those top two values.

Elisabeth Stitt: 24:21

Yeah. And just have faith that if you keep those values in mind, and you communicate those to your children clearly and lovingly in our family, we we are this in our family we are that. And then I would add to that be protective of your family time. And that means saying no to your kids, sometimes a lot of times, right. It may in my my my family for example. My daughter took gymnastics And she was naturally a good gymnast. And they wanted her to be on the gymnastics team. And I said, no. Oh, but she's really good. Like, no, no, I am not. I am not giving my eight, nine year old, up to four or five days in the gym. Forget. I mean, fortunately for me, I, I was divorced. And so she had two families. And so logistically, saying yes, would have been super, super hard. But even if we had been, you know, three blocks from the gym, and it was, you know, she could ride her bike there, I would have been no, why would I give up my child for all those hours. That That doesn't make sense. So she took every Friday afternoon she took she took the same gymnastics class from from eight until 12. And you know, she got a little bit better, but not very much because she was only practicing one day a week. But gymnastics was this thing that she continued to love. And was fun. And it took an hour from family time, it didn't take two hours a day. And honestly, her friend Freda, who did go on the on the gymnastic team and loved it. She loved it. But she, she switched from gymnastics to cheer. And she fell. And she injured her back when she was like 13. And she was never able to go back to anything like that. And it had a real impact on her sense of confidence. And sort of as she moved into high school, who she was and where her place was. That's really sad. And her parents certainly didn't perceive that happening. But, you know, they just seemed like in the moment, a great opportunity. And let's be clear, this kid loved gymnastics. And so she was really saying, Please, mom, please, Dad, I would make me so happy to do it. So when we have our long term value super clear, it helps us to communicate that to our kids in such a way that says, I get it and I see it. And I love you. And our family is more important. There will be other opportunities for other things.

Michelle Walters: 27:45

I like it. Very simple.

Cinthia Varkevisser: 27:47

Right? So you gave us two?

Elisabeth Stitt: 27:50

I did I gave you two tips. Yeah. Do you have

Cinthia Varkevisser: 27:53

time for one more or do something else?

Elisabeth Stitt: 27:58

Okay, well, one other thing, which is? In the long run, the irony that is adding to our overwhelm, is because we're so busy. And our kids are so structured and have so many activities. And they themselves are so busy that most parents I talked to when I asked what kind of chores are your kids doing at home? They parents, they answer. I know I should have my kids doing chores, but it's just too much work to get them to do it. And it's much easier to do it myself. And again, in my view, that is very short sighted thinking. Of course, it's easier today. But if you train your child, and you train them young, then really by middle school, there's not any high school task that a 13 or 1213 year old isn't capable of doing. So if you've been training them all along, you know, that's great. Mary, you're gonna cook dinner on Tuesdays. George, you're cooking dinner on Wednesdays, and we're all going shopping together on Saturday mornings. Life does get easier when everything is shared together. And nobody likes doing housework. So it's more fun when it's just scheduled on Saturday mornings and you have a dance party, and you're rockin out the tunes and everybody's doing their their chores all at the same time. Summer by the way, we're coming up on Summer, summer is an excellent time to actually teach them some of those skills that you feel like you don't have to teach them when they're doing other activities and homework and everything else. So yeah, I am a an okay, let's just Be very clear that the research between them is not causal. We can't say that it's causal. But we can certainly say that it's there's a very high correlation between kids who do chores, and the levels at which kids thrive as adults. So their happiness levels, their success levels in terms of being out like, it kind of becomes a no brainer. When you when you see those studies, you're like, Oh, you mean, just by having my kids doing chores? I'm going to be boosting the levels at which they're thriving statistically.

Michelle Walters: 30:36

That seems like teaching kids responsibility. Right? Right. Kids have to learn responsibility.

Elisabeth Stitt: 30:43

But it's not just that it's helping them feel important. And like an integral part of the of the fabric of the family. It's giving them autonomy, and self efficacy. Right? It's helping them to feel grown up, when otherwise, we're treating them like children, because we're micromanaging everything, and we're serving them. Right.

Michelle Walters: 31:08

Right. Elisabeth, tell us what you have coming up. Well,

Elisabeth Stitt: 31:16

what is always ongoing, I know in May, not to ask parents to do things. So this does not start in May. Starting in June, well, okay, let's be perfectly clear. I have a five week program, a five topic program called Harmony at home. And you can you can go to my website today. And sign up for the do it yourself version, if you want to watch the videos and go through the notebooks yourself. And, or, you can join me in my Zoom Room. And I will teach live the same five topics. But then it's interactive, and we stop and we do exercises and we get the feedback and we get to hear from what other people are doing. And so and it comes with a bonus hour of one on one coaching. So that can be a really fabulous way to make some big shifts in your family.

Cinthia Varkevisser: 32:19

I like it.

Michelle Walters: 32:21

Great. Well, thank you so much, Elisabeth, for coming to join us today on mind power meets mystic. We loved hearing your stories about parenting and your excellent tips because I know it's something that so many folks out there really, really are struggling with right now. Thanks for being on our show and happy parenting day everyone.

Cinthia Varkevisser: 32:47

Happy parenting day.

Michelle Walters: 32:52

listeners. I'm very excited to let you know that we'll be doing a follow up q&a With Elisabeth Stitt on Facebook Live. It'll be streamed through Cynthia's Facebook. The date is May 23 at 2pm. Please join us and have access to Elizabeth and get your parenting questions answered. Hope to see you there.